Pearl’s (of) Wisdom: Advice and Musings from the Big, Bad Bitch of Shag

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At Shag, there are a lot of perks…toy samples, lube samples, work homework that involves having sex, I could go on. But the best perk is getting to spend time with Pearl, who is as wise as she is beautiful and badass. I got to sit down with Shag’s own mascot cum protector cum patron saint, Pearl, to share some of her life wisdom. For those of you who haven’t stopped by our Brooklyn space, Pearl is a gorgeous, fierce pitbull, unencumbered by shyness, self consciousness, or hesitation. Pearl is nothing if not confident and decisive. Luckily, for this blog, she allowed me to share her top ten secrets to being so…Pearly.

ONE Find someone who treats you right and keep them around

“I happen to have found this woman Sam, and let me tell you she’s got it all. She’s a good walker, a good chin scratcher, the most fun with games, and a great cook. I tried a few humans before I found the one for me. Which really brings me to another point. Don’t be afraid to shop around. Don’t settle. You deserve to be treated as well as you think you do. In my case, that means a lot of organic liver treats.”

TWO Don’t be afraid to let yourself rest

“Fun and games are great – really great with the right partner – but that doesn’t mean you can’t stop for a nap. I have Shag equipped with a couch AND a dog bed just for these occasions. And once in awhile I’ll even “catnap” (excuse the expression!) right by the register. That’s my point, there’s no wrong moment to take a breather. Mid-orgy? That’s okay. You leave the pile and get some water if you need to. Tell them Pearl said it was ok.”

THREE Trust your instincts – but admit when you’re wrong

“If you come into my store, into my space, and you’re smelling a little off (or like cats), I’ll let you know! I will bark and you’d better take it. But, listen, I’m not infallible. Some of my favorite people started off with an off smell, but turned out to be pretty amazing at tug-a-rope. You have to admit when you’re wrong or you’re the worst kind of bitch.”

FOUR Don’t be afraid to ask for (or demand) what you want

“If I want a belly rub, you will know I want one. And you’ll give me one. Because, people, if you haven’t gotten this yet, I tend to get my way. But that’s not the point here. The point is, you can get what you want, too. You have to ask though. When I want a rub, you can be damn sure I ask for one. I’ll stick my nose right up in between your legs until you get the point. And when I want you to play with my rope? That’s right, you get the picture: I bring you the rope.”

FIVE Don’t feel pressured to do things you don’t want to do

“If I don’t want to walk on a really hot day? That’s right, I don’t. I’ll just sit there; I tell Sam I’m not going to work that day, no way, no how. Same goes for you. Don’t be budged if you know something isn’t for you. Just because you were into it once, doesn’t mean you always have to be into it. Sex isn’t a contract and neither are walks from Greenpoint to Williamsburg.”

SIX Pursue pleasure

“This may be a part of asking for what you want, but, look, it’s more than that too. Pleasure is a central part of my life, most definitely, and it should be part of yours too. Ok, ok, ‘should’ is a strong word. Do what you want. But while I’m enjoying belly rubs, feasting on pieces of my favorite human foods – mmm, apples – and picking up all kinds of toys, you just think if you’re having as much pleasure as I am. Listen to your body, and if you don’t know how to, come by Shag. Either the humans here will give you some great advice or you can just watch me do my thing and, really, that will tell you all you need to know.”

SEVEN Cuddling isn’t for everyone and that’s okay

“Me? I’m not a cuddler. No thank you, I’d like my space. Now don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean I don’t like a nice rub or touch or session of affection for my pearly white body. It just means that sleeping is not the same as rubbing time, and I really don’t want to mix the two. I’m not being cold; I just want to sleep without touching. That’s ok! You? You’re a cuddler. Cool – find another cuddler for your cuddle needs. If you’re in a mismatched cuddling partnership, well then communication is key. But don’t force cuddles on a non-cuddler! Give them space and then, believe me, they’ll reward you with some lovin’.”

EIGHT Stay body positive; Have confidence always

“I’m not a pup, and I’m hot as ever. One sexy bitch, that’s me. All the little boy dogs I like to boss around, they love it just as much as they did before my muzzle was graying. Of course, my favorite dogs to boss around are the little girl dogs. Those tiny ladies love a tough domme like me; they crave the nips and order…but I digress. The point? When I’m putting a dog in their place, I don’t worry if I look hot doing it. I feel hot, and I know I must look it if I feel it.”

NINE Toys are great!

“I don’t really understand the hangup here. Stuff designed specifically to make life more exciting and fun than it would be without? I’m a big advocate. I have tons of toys to change it up, toys for every mood, old favorites and new things to flirt with. Fortunately for you, my human and I have a shop where you can find all sorts of your own toys. I really suggest you give them a try.”

TEN Use protection

“This is me in a rain slicker. It’s not my favorite, but I do look pretty amazing it in. My point? If I can venture out in the rain and realize that there are some awesome slickers, and furthermore that I look damned good, well then you can find the right protection for you. At Shag we only have about a million kinds…luxury condoms, non latex condoms, gloves, dental dams, flavored condoms, you name it. And I’ll bet you’ll look great and sexy with your protection, too. Maybe not as amazing as me in this slicker, but, listen, you can aspire to greatness. ‘Reach for the moon and maybe you’ll find the stars,’ is what one of my little doggy subs likes to say before I nip the quips right out of her. I’m the bitch with the wisdom here, ok.”

IMAG1126BONUS And…sometimes you have to nap with the (proverbial?) cat

“(And it’s not so bad!) Listen, you don’t like ‘em; I don’t like ‘em…ok, maybe you do like ‘em? Come to think of it, the Internet seems to have a weird blind spot in the feline direction…yet another thing that baffles me about you humans. All the same, my point stands, and I tolerate them. Sometimes, even if it’s not ideal, you find yourself sleeping with a cat. Sometimes life throws you bones (which is awesome!) and sometimes it throws you cats. And you just have to remember that you’ll probably get a bone soon and the cat’s pretty small anyway, so you still get most of the couch.”


Do you feel like you could benefit from Pearl’s wisdom? (I mean, let’s be honest, who couldn’t?) Feel free to stop by Shag and ask the grand dame herself. She’s usually working. Or, you can send her a message. Consider it your own personal ASK PEARL column. And if we do publish your question online, you’ll get a coupon code good for 10% off anything in our webstore!